Whole Nine Sports

2020 NFL Mock Draft – The All-Name Team

Rojesterman Farris II
Photo by Ted S. Warren, AP Photo
Tyler Habursky & Jake Graff
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Follow Jake @jakegraff74
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It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Tyler Habursky and Jake Graff have combined to make the greatest article you’ll ever read in your life. After reading this article, you won’t have to look at any more mock drafts and to be honest, you won’t even need to watch the NFL Draft because this is exactly how it will go. Each and every pick will be completely accurate. How do we know this information? Well, we’ve based every selection on how cool and unique each person’s name is. For example, you’ll probably see guys like Reid Harrison-Ducros go off the board early, but in this draft Jonathan Taylor will likely be a UDFA. There you go; you heard it here first in this completely serious mock draft.

Jake- Odd Numbered Picks

Tyler- Even Numbered Picks

DISCLAIMER: This is for entertainment purposes only and these picks will likely not happen! (We think)

ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: We hold absolutely nothing against any player or organization mentioned in this mock draft. This is strictly for entertainment and is not intended to shine any negative light. Every player listed has exceptional football talent to go along with their tremendous names.

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#1: Cincinnati Bengals – Javelin K. Guidry, CB, Utah

Javelin K. Guidry
Photo by Jeff Swinger, USA TODAY Sports

The Bengals decide to ride the hype of Guidry’s 4.29 40 yard dash and make him the first pick. Javelin K. has a track background, but his name suggests he can make a big impact on the field as well. Perhaps he can be the answer at quarterback, too.

#2 Washington Redskins – Calvin Throckmorton, OT, Oregon

Calvin Throckmorton
Photo by University of Oregon Athletics

Calvin Throckmorton is a very versatile player on and off the field. He is working to become a doctor after his playing career. It was almost impossible to pass on this value as “Doc Throck” (shout-out to NFL Network for the name) will be able to come in and play if Trent Williams departs. If we’re being honest, Throckmorton is already as, if not more, talented than Williams based solely off of the name on their birth certificates.

#3: Detroit Lions – Thakarius “BoPete” Keyes, CB, Tulane

Thakarius Keyes
Photo by AP Photo

Shoutout to Grandma Keyes for building on the impressive name of Thakarius, by giving the star Tulane corner his nickname. He could certainly help unlock the full potential of this Matt Patricia defense.

#4 New York Giants – Noah Igbinoghene, CB, Auburn

Noah Igbinoghene
Photo by Douglas DeFelice, USA TODAY Sports

Noah Igbinoghene was blessed by his parents with great athleticism. Both of them were track athletes. However, the most valuable asset he got from his parents was easily his last name: Igbinoghene. Even with plenty of hog mollies on the board, not even Dave Gettleman could pass on this one.

#5 Miami Dolphins – Prince Tega Wanogho, OT, Auburn

Prince Tega Wanogho
Photo by Ronald Martinez, Getty Images

This pick will absolutely not be a scam for the Dolphins. Wanogho has the athletic ability, size, and football IQ to make sure that this Nigerian Prince earns his money legitimately.

#6 Los Angeles Chargers – Jaquarius Landrews, S, Mississippi State

Jaquarius Landrews
Photo by Mississippi State Athletics

In my humble opinion, this is the most valuable pick in the draft. With the name versatility of Jaquarius Landrews the Chargers can do so much on the back end with Derwin James and company. That is, if Derwin James sticks around. Sources are saying that after this pick was made, Derwin and the rest of the safety group were very upset that they drafted one of the best safeties of the past decade.

#7: Carolina Panthers – De’Jon “Scoota” Harris, LB, Arkansas

De'Jon Harris
Photo by Arkansas Athletics

The Panthers’ Luke Kuechly replacement comes in the form of Arkansas’ LB De’Jon Harris. Not surely if this is entirely who Tyler would want for that job, but don’t get it twisted, as De’Jon can certainly “scoot” with elite level range on the second level.

#8 Arizona Cardinals – Dominick Wood-Anderson, TE, Tennessee

Dominick Wood-Anderson
Photo by Chuck Burton, AP Photo

Kliff Kingsbury, who has a pretty solid name himself, agreed with the rest of Arizona’s front office: having a hyphen in the name instantly puts them into round 1 consideration. Bringing in Wood-Anderson will surely raise the level of this offense, making it immensely hard to stop.

#9 Jacksonville Jaguars – Rojesterman Farris II, CB, Hawaii

Rojesterman Farris II
Photo by Ted S. Warren, AP Photo

I mean… I can’t speak for Doug Marrone and company, but it’s clear that Rojesterman Farris II is a major upgrade as a successor to Jalen Ramsey in the Jags’ secondary.

#10 Cleveland Browns: Ezra Cleveland, OT, Boise State

Ezra Cleveland
Photo by Boise State Athletics

Cleveland was biting their nails waiting to see if Ezra Cleveland would make it to this pick. After almost trading up, the hometown hero (probably?) will go back home to Cleveland. On the side, they also liked this pick because they do have a need at tackle, but that came completely secondary to the fit with the town.

#11 New York Jets – James Smith-Williams, EDGE, North Carolina State

James Smith-Williams
Photo by North Carolina State Athletics

James Smith-Williams was named the number 3 “freak” in college football by Bruce Feldman, for good reason. Not because he just ran a 4.6 at 265 pounds, but because of his name. Look, if his name was “James Smith” or “James Williams”, he’d certainly go undrafted in this setup, but two of the most common last names in the English language hyphenated together makes for a tremendous double negative. He’s the Jets’ answer at edge rusher.

#12 Las Vegas Raiders – Antonio Gandy-Golden, WR, Liberty

Antonio Gandy-Golden
Photo by Jerome Miron, USA TODAY Sports

Ya know, I’ll tell ya what man…this AGG kid has it all. With his natural ability to win the contested catch, he’ll be the perfect fit to be the vertical guy in Spider 2 Y Banana, the only play the Raiders plan to use in their first year in Vegas.

#13 Indianapolis Colts – Laviska Shenault Jr., WR, Colorado

Laviska Shenault Jr.
Photo by Matthew Stockman, Getty Images

Everyone’s familiar with Viska. Not only is he a fun weapon that the Colts could use on offense, his name just speaks for itself.

#14 Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Stephen “Buckshot” Calvert, QB, Liberty

Stephen Calvert
Photo by Corey Perrine, Getty Images

Bruce Arians wanted to be the one to take the first QB off the board and he did just that. During the pre-draft process Arians met with every quarterback and measured not only the size of their arm, but most importantly if they could throw the ball very far. Luckily for Stephen, he did not have to participate in either of these tests because the name “Buckshot” gets the job done. That was the driving force behind the pick.

#15 Denver Broncos – Stantley Thomas-Oliver III, CB, Florida International

Stantley Thomas-Oliver III
Photo by Michael Chang, Getty Images

Hyphenated names PLUS Roman numerals at the end is the ultimate formula for a first round player here. Vic Fangio falls in love with Stantley and he comes in to solidify the group of corners in Denver.

#16 Atlanta Falcons – Derrek Tuszka, EDGE, North Dakota State

Derrek Tuszka
Photo by David Samson, The Forum

Thomas Dimitroff and Dan Quinn have wanted to add a stronger presence and more grit to the edge rusher position. Nothing says grit like the name Tuszka. Tuszka exemplifies grit with his work ethic in the Midwest.

#17 Dallas Cowboys – DeeJay Dallas, RB, Miami

DeeJay Dallas
Photo by Andrew Ivins, 247Sports

The first round running back the Cowboys should have invested in all along.

#18 Miami Dolphins – Donovan Peoples-Jones, WR, Michigan

Donovan Peoples-Jones
Photo by Michigan Athletics

People are gonna like this one. Brian Flores and staff knew that with the rebuild they needed to grow the People’s love of the organization. Donovan can do just that. He’s a real People person.

#19 Las Vegas Raiders – Kyahva Tezino, LB, San Diego State

Kyahva Tezino
Photo by SDSU Athletics

Okay I’m not going to try to imitate whatever attempt at a Jon Gruden impression that was from Tyler seven picks ago… ah, screw it. I tell ya what man, this Ky-… Kyah-… this Tezino guy from San Diego State plays like a true Aztec… just look at his numbers in college, man.

#20 Jacksonville Jaguars – Albert Okwuegbunam, TE, Missouri

Albert Okwuegbunam
Photo by Nelson Chenault, USA TODAY Sports

When preparing for the 2020 NFL Draft, the Jaguars organization was forced to refer to him as “Albert O” like most would. The driving force behind this was Tom Coughlin and that’s ultimately why he got fired. Since then, Doug Marrone has spent countless hours trying to pronounce “Okwuegbunam.” You can tell this from their win total. When they saw he was on the board, Marrone went up to the podium himself and proudly pronounced the 4.49 runner’s last name.

#21 Philadelphia Eagles – Essang Bassey, CB, Wake Forest

Essang Bassey
Photo by Brian Westerholt, Sports On Film

The Eagles’ problem with corners hasn’t stemmed from bad players, it’s just a result of their names being too basic. Sidney Jones and Jalen Mills didn’t work out… it’s time for Essang Bassey to step up to the plate.

#22 Buffalo Bills – Reid Harrison-Ducros, CB, Duquesne

Reid Harrison-Ducros
Photo by Duquesne Athletics

Again, the hyphenated names immensely help the stock of that respective player. Some predicted this pick early on by Reiding between the lines of Brandon Beane’s presser.

#23 New England Patriots – Yetur Gross-Matos, EDGE, Penn State

Yetur Gross-Matos
Photo by Barry Reeger, AP Photo

Yetur fills a need for the Patriots, and follows their prototype along the defensive line as well. He’s long, physical and athletic, and is effective rushing off the edge and from inside if you need him to. This will prove to be a disgustingly good pick, mark my words.

#24 New Orleans Saints – Matt Hennessy, IOL, Temple

Matt Hennessy
Photo by Tim Tai, Philadelphia Inquirer

After LSU won the National Championship, the city went into full party mode. As Sean Payton walked the streets of New Orleans, wishing he was a champion again, he noticed that Ed Orgeron and most of the LSU fans were enjoying a drink. Payton was inspired by this and decided to bring some more Hennessy to New Orleans.

#25 Minnesota Vikings – Trevon Diggs, CB, Alabama

Trevon Diggs
Photo by Streeter Lecka, Getty Images

Maybe having his brother in town will help keep the older Diggs brother in Minnesota for the time being.

#26 Miami Dolphins – Charlie Taumoepeau, TE, Portland State

Charlie Taumoepeau
Photo by Portland State Athletics

Brian Flores thoroughly, and when I say thoroughly, I mean THOROUGHLY,  enjoys having Mike Gesicki in the building because of his name. He wanted to add to this tight end room by bringing in Taumoepeau. This also goes back to wanting to increase fan approval as I explained in their last pick. The fans started the slogan about tanking. Flores wanted to follow through with the “Tank for Taumoepeau” brand and execute this pick. However, he was very confused when fans booed this pick.

#27 Seattle Seahawks – L’Jarius Sneed, S, Louisiana Tech

L'Jarius Sneed
Photo by LA Tech Athletics

The Seahawks take a step towards rebuilding the Legion of Boom with Sneed here. L’Jarius was one of the steals of the draft, and Pete Carroll was seen shoving approximately 14 pieces of Juicy Fruit into his mouth when the card was sent in in celebration.

#28 Baltimore Ravens – Lamar Jackson, CB, Nebraska

Lamar Jackson
Photo by Bruce Thorson, USA TODAY Sports

The Nebraska corner wants to escape the shadow of the Ravens quarterback. Lamar Jackson, the quarterback version, wants to be the only Lamar Jackson that is relevant (we think). What better way to solve this than to bring them both to Baltimore?

#29 Tennessee Titans – Winston DeLattiboudere III, EDGE, Minnesota

Winston DeLattiboudere III
Photo by Ryan Burns, GopherIllustrated

I’m not really sure how this name will fit on the back of a Titans jersey, but I’m sure they’ll make it work. A true diamond in the rough selection at 29, Winston III is a perfect fit to play opposite Harold Landry III on the edge.

#30 Green Bay Packers – Pete Guerriero, RB, Monmouth

Pete Guerriero
Photo by Doug Hood, Asbury Park Press

The Packers really want to go away from Aaron Jones despite him being a very good player. #DraftTwitter was too picky about them using Jamaal Williams at times and that was mainly because of his name. Now with Guerriero, they have the excuse to take Jones out of the game for a running back whose name flows so nicely. For fantasy purposes, we should maybe even be on the lookout to see if Pete can take the job from Aaron Jones, whose name is UDFA worthy.

#31 Cleveland Browns (via SF) – Tyrie Cleveland, WR, Florida

Tyrie Cleveland
Photo by Kim Klement, USA TODAY Sports

The Browns are so incompetent that they almost forgot about the other Cleveland, so they move back into the first round to grab Tyrie. Their latest selection of a Florida Gator receiver didn’t work out, so they try again with this deep threat and special teams stud.

#32 Cincinnati Bengals (via KC) – AJ Green, CB, Oklahoma State

AJ Green
Photo by Sarah Phipps, The Oklahoman

AJ Green hasn’t played in a while for the Bengals and they need someone to fill that void when it’s there. Who better to do that than AJ Green himself? Despite him playing on the other side of the ball, they felt the need to move up to this spot to secure their guy. In doing this they traded away their 2nd rounder and defensive tackle Freedom Akinmoladun because they felt they already had too many cool names on the roster. It was also very important for them to lock up the fifth year option on Green as they instantly regretted their number one overall pick in Javelin K. Guidry.